"iMerica First"
I’m pacing around the bright hallway, waiting for Donald Sharpe to arrive. My idiot assistant was supposed to bring him at 8pm. It’s now 8:05pm. It’s like he’s trying to get fired. Of course I would never fire him. I need my points. But it’s the threat of firing that keeps him on his toes.
What’s keeping him? I texted him a million times. Out of all the guests, he’s going to be late with Donald Sharpe? The Donald Sharpe. A man on the iMerica First top 100 in the world. We’ve had him call onto our shows of course. He was always a thrill. Ratings went through the roof when he would call in. He’s always been a friend to our shows. Friend to our network. So when he asked for some air time, it wasn’t even a question. We gave it to him. He said he only needed five minutes. I don’t know what he’s going to talk about, but I know it’ll bring in the ratings. Our viewers love the guy. They can’t get enough of him. Viewership will sky rocket. That is, if my brain dead assistant ever brings Sharpe into the studio.
What if they’re stuck in traffic? What if he's sick and won't join? Our viewership has doubled in the last 30 minutes. What the hell do I say if he doesn't come?
MINUS 5
No, it’s Donald Sharpe. He’s too tough to let traffic or sickness stop him. He’s a real man. Nothing can stop him.
PLUS 5
I never get this nervous when meeting celebrities. Never. I’ve had Senators come through that door. Foreign dignitaries. Hollywood coastal elites. I couldn’t care less. They couldn’t lick the boots of Sharpe. It wasn’t just about him being on the top 100 of the iMerica First app. I mean, that is an amazing feat. But that’s only part of what makes him incredible. I’ve known about him for years before that. We’ve all known about him. He was known as a no nonsense business man. A tough titan of industry. Someone who doesn’t take shit from anybody. He’s really been an inspiration. Then, when the iMerica First app launched, it changed everything for him. Not at first. When the app was first launched, it was called something else. Something like Wellness Monitor… or Self-Esteem Monitor… something hippie and granola.
It was founded by some tree huggers on the West coast. They found a way to measure the confidence of the user. There is something in the brain that shows your level of confidence. The app could read your brain activity and measure your confidence level. From that, it would give or take points based on your confidence at that time.
Say you win an award, you might feel good and get 20 points added to your total. Then say you trip and break your award, you might feel embarrassed and lose 20 points from your total. Everyone on the app was competing with everyone else for the highest point totals.
The tree huggers were making some kind of productivity tool for high powered business men. Like a fitbit for douchebags. To help them perform better. To achieve even more success. It was only used by liberal elites so they could brag about how great they were. It was pretty lame. Eventually, the app was bought out by some investors in New York. Then, it was opened to everyone. It was renamed to iMerica First. Everyone in America started playing the game. Everyone in the world played. If you had a smartphone, then you were playing. I outshined most people. I made it to the top 25% percentile. That’s the top 25% worldwide. Yeah, that’s right. And I’ve been maintaining that title for years.
PLUS 5
In my own circles, I’m hot shit. But I’m nothing around Donald Sharpe. How can I brag to someone in the top 100? There are billions of people using this app and he’s in the top 100. What am I going to say to him to feel good about myself?
MINUS 5
There they are. There he is. My assistant finally brought him in. Mr. Donald Sharpe in the flesh. Is this a dream? Is he really here? I’m feeling dizzy. Oh shit, I think I’m going to faint. I’m going to faint in front of fucking Donald Sharpe. No! No! Don’t you dare. Take a deep breath and get your act together.
MINUS 20
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